Walked away !

It was the day, I waited for so long. I was standing in-front of him after a year of separation. Mixed emotions rambled and strolled through my heart. 

I was not sure if I did a right thing or not  but I couldn’t stop myself from running towards him on his single call. 

He glanced into my eyes. My eyes that were brimmed with tears. A year ago, these eyes were filled with so much of love but after a year, they were filled with guilt, hatred and anger. I couldn’t decide how I was supposed to react on his presence, I felt numb! 

The inky darkness engulfed the frailed light, diminishing all happiness and bliss that had risen with the sun. Only silence lingered around the air. I shivered in claustrophobic cubical and sigh of anxiety leaped out of my mouth. 

“How are you?” He finally broke the silence. I heard that voice after a whole year. The voice that made me fall in love with. The voice that I wished to hear all day. 

The voice that I was dying to come back to me again. But when I finally hear them, they only pierced my soul with pain. 

“W..why did you called me h..here ? I asked him in broken voice, trying to hold those tears from falling. I wanted to stood strong and hearty. 

“Baby, Lets work it out” His voice was soft, and a bit strained. 

He wanted us to get back together. I was waiting for that day since long but when he finally said that, I didn’t know what happened to me and I felt blank. 

My voice choked on my throat and I felt like I am at end of the rope decaying on my own thoughts. 

His hands ran through my fingers, trying to hold them. I passionately closed my eyes with that touch. It felt like his warmth would seep into my skin. I melted like I belonged next to him and nothing else mattered at that moment. All emotions boiled at that instant and flashbacks of five years of togetherness ran through my mind like a beautiful movie.

Flashbacks of those beautiful days I spent by his side and also flashbacks of those nightmares after he left. That anecdote fairy tale with not so happy ending. 

His hands then tried to fill those gaps of my fingers. I was slowly hallucinated with his voice on my head. 

“I am sorry, lets have a new start” He whispered in my ear with a heavy breathe. 

Fires of fury and anger smoldered in my eyes. Anger boiled deep in my system, as hot as lava. I grabbed all that hatred and then pushed him away. 

“No!” I shouted in anger and exasperation that broke me into tears. 

He took few steps towards me. 

“baby please!” 

I pushed him again! 

“I said NO!” I frowned.  

“But why?” He was confused and puzzled. 

I took a deep breathe and replied, 

“You can't just come back after so long and pretend like nothing happened. You just cant. 

Where were you all this time? When I craved for you? Why would you leave? Do you have an answer to that? 

Do you know how that feels? To wait everyday, hoping you will return? To take a stroll alone, dying to have your hand in mine? To fall asleep with muddled thoughts and to wake up with a pillow drenched with tears?” 

“I know I did a big mistake, But I said am sorry!” He exclaimed. Then, I replied with a heavy heart and wet eyes, 

“when we were together, I was your sunshine, giving my love unconditionally. I knew happiness once with you, but then you left and now, all I know is sadness. Since then, I lived in a never ending dark void that consumed everything inside. 

I was abandoned, scattered and lost. And my life is now doomed to oblivion. 

It was hard! I wrestled at nights with the dark and the light. In those sleepless nights, I tried to find comfort in my thoughts and memories of you. 

I stared blank at those bare ceiling of my room and imagined how life would be with you by my side. But after few moments my chest used to feel heavy. Then, All I could see was, You going out of my life and I was left there, alone! I stood alone in that blank space with nothing around. 

You know, the happiest memories are the one that hurt you the worst, they are the ones that cut you the deepest. So those beautiful memories with you, haunted me every single night. You turned every moment we spent together into painful memories. 

After you left, I shared a special bond with sadness. The one you won’t understand because, you left me behind. But this sadness, it refuses to leave my side. It was there when I couldn’t sleep.

 It was there in the shadows when I drunk liquored taste of tears. It was there when I broke and tore apart. It was there when I turned into this broken mess. It was there when I had no hopes left. 

Today, I want you to know that I won’t come back because all the demons that you left behind, are my friends now. All the doubts and insecurities you gifted me, are what I sleep next to. All the tears you left me with, are my fragrance now. 

My body has forgotten how to respond when someone loves. I have stopped my heart to feel anything! To feel any love! My bones have learned to instigate sadness. 

And my blood has been oxygenating the chemicals of despair ever since the moment you left.

I beg you, please don’t come back. Because I’ve grown fond of my depressing ways and I’ve started fetishizing my own sorrows. I cant see myself putting my heart out there again and I don’t think it can survive again. 

I want you to go on and find love somewhere else, because all I have now left to give you is, the fragments of my broken heart and darling, they have sharp edges.

Edges that dug deep into my skin for so long, that now it’s hard to lose their impression on my soul.I am broken and I want you to know that it was you who broke me.

Now baby, if you’re coming back, there’s no way I’m stitching myself up again. Because now, I’m in love. I’m in love with my torn appearances, my dried up tears and my rugged broken heart.” 

I stood there, still a little distance away from him. I stood there and looked at this man. This man that I was in love with. 

This man who had promised me a million forevers. This man who had walked into my life and driven me insane; insane enough to fall in love with him. 

This man who left. This man who made me feel unloved and abandoned. This man who broke me down. 

I walked up to him slowly and pulled him closer. I wrapped my arms around him. I embraced his warmth and felt his strong arms around. I wanted that moment to never end but It was time to take decision. 

I kept my face inches apart from him for a couple of seconds before taking two steps backwards. 

“So, you will give me a chance, right?" he asked, his eyes gleaming with hope and belief. 

I smiled and said, 

"Thank you for destroying the person who loved you because now I make different choices. I need closure. I choose to leave you the way you left me. So, We're done here. I am not strong enough to break down again" 

I turned back and walked away. I walked away with the strength to never look back and every step I took, it was another step away from my heart. This time, forever! with no turning back! Not now, Not ever! 

Sometimes, We need to let things go. We have to decide what is right. We should not make weak decision based on our temporary satisfaction and happiness. 

If someone doesn’t value your presence then make them value your absence. The person who loves you will forever stay, no matter how hard situation gets. They will forever be there to support you and love you. But if you can’t figure out where you stand with someone, It might be time to stop standing and start walking! And, 

Sometimes, Its not about the happy ending, Its about respecting yourself. Don’t be afraid to walk away when its needed. Always understand and acknowledge your self worth and don’t ever let your weakness overrule you. 🌸

                                  -Aashima 📝