The unsent letter :)

I glanced at my wrist watch, It was 7:10am and he was already 10 minutes late. My heart bumped with every second that passed in that cold winter morning. Even it was the coldest day of winter, the sun was bright in the sky, bringing joy to my heart. 

Even the coldness upon my face was refreshing and my body felt cozy inside that warm red coat that he gifted me. 

After a while, I saw him walking towards me. The winter wind howled through the desolate marsh and bit at his frozen skin. The world seemed to lie barren and lifeless before him. Ice had gently put blankets on the sidewalks that he walked on. 

My face glowed with smile. When I saw him, I fell in love all at a once. I felt like I was on the top of the world and my heart was constricted and there was no oxygen in my lungs. 

I was breathing heavily in nervousness. His dark hair furled down the nape of his neck, while his fringe covered the entire right side of his face, going a little past his jaw line.

 His eyes were bold and black which had a depth in them. His body was drool worthy. He looked like a package of perfection on that black jacket and black jeans. 

He smiled at me and sat on the chair in front of me. He gave me goosebumps and butterflies with that smile. The way his lips lifted upward, the way his one dimple crinkled and the way his teeth were perfectly aligned, I just couldn’t stop my heart beating erratically against my chest.

 I stared at him for so long that I forgot there exist a world besides him. I was so much into him that I didn’t notice anyting around. After a long awkward stare, he snapped. 

“Hey? You okay?” 

His voice was so warm and glittering that it sounded like a beautiful melody that I could hear all day, all my life. His words were like vanilla pudding, sweet in their ordinary sort of way. 

“yeah, I am” (I mumbled) 

“You look beautiful today (He smiled) 

and why you invited me by the way?”

He called me beautiful and I turned all red. My cheeks flushed red with blood that run all over my body as if there was a marathon in the lane of my blood vessels. He gave me strange look of “what?” 

Actually, I was planning to tell him my feelings for him. I wanted to tell him that I was ready to share all my chocolates with him. I wanted to tell him that I was ready to hug him forever and love him unconditionally. 

I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be his annoying stupid girlfriend and be with him forever. Every feelings pounded inside my heart but I was scared and something just stopped me. I couldnt put my feeling in words and instead, I replied, 

“umm, Nothing actually. I just wanted to meet you and nothing more” 

(He smiled) “Okay” 

My eyes shouted aloud, “Cant you see that I love you stupid?” But my words didn’t co operate and things left unsaid. I didn’t know what made me stop. I could see vibes of love that made an aura around us. I knew he loved me too but We both were scared of love and We both were filled with so much of pain inside  and we both had many unhealed scars of love and betrayal of past. 

I was not sure if I could make him fall in love again. I was scared that I might loose our friendship too and that included thousands of reason to stop. 

After a perfect day with him, When I came back home, all I did was wrapped myself in his thoughts. We shared this beautiful friendship since school days. We both fell for the wrong person and finally after a long, we moved on in our lives with lots of melo drama and painful nights. 

We supported each other throughout that break up phase. From getting drunk to end up calling our ex. From cursing them to praying for them. From binge eating to end up crying. We did it all, We did it all together.

I started developing feelings for my best friend on that period but I just couldn’t tell. After a lots of inner debate, I decided to write a letter for him. I thought that it would be easy to put my feelings in words and then deliver it to him. I thought, I should at least let him know about my feelings and no matter what his answer would be. At least I wont have to pretend and I would get chance to shower him with love. So I wrote a letter for him. 

The letter was: 

“Hey there stupid, 

I don’t know why I cant express and outright things precise to you. Maybe its because I have never been stupendous at talking. Whenever I try to express the emotions whirling in my soul, my throat tightens blocking me from saying anything. So, I am here trying to gather all my feelings and emotions in this piece of paper in agitation. We know each other since a long time and in this past years we shared this astounding journey of life. 

You stood by my side like a strong pillar, holding me tight. You made everything so easy. When you hugged me and held onto me, real love began to take a shape in my heart and I couldn’t help falling for you. 

I doubt I can make any promise which has not been made by lovers before. I can however, assure you that I will keep all of them unlike many people I know. You will never have to gather up the pieces of our broken dreams and try stick them back, wondering what went wrong because I will never let that happen. 

I want to be the reason for your every alluring smile. I want to be the one to wipe away all your tears. I want to write poems for you which the world will read but only you will know are written just for you. So when lovers quote them all over the world, they will be spreading our love. In this world of status updates, 

I want to be that hand written love letter you smell because it reminds you of me. In this world of micro tales, I want to be that novel which you curl up next to when you go to sleep. There is so much more I want to be with you. 

I know how clumsy and stupid you get at times. You get stubborn and get annoyed on stupid things but I love you when you get hard to handle. I feel like hugging you and loving you some more. I see you. I see the pain in those eyes. But I see there love too, the love that is trapped by those scars. It’s still there baby, and one day I will set them free. Let me join in that pain, walk with you, feel the same torture and one day I will find just the right way to bring you home.

All I want to say is that please keep in mind that you are not giving yourself a fair chance you deserve; to fight, to show not the world but to yourself what a wonderful little thing you are and to cease the day; because baby, when there is darkness in the world; sometimes, all you have to do is become a firefly. I want to be the reason for your beautiful life ahead and hold onto you forever and always, 

Yours, 

dumb lover! “  

I decided to deliver this letter, the next day. I was overjoyed that after so many years, I could finally tell him “I love you.” I couldn’t get into the trance of dreams and every bit of reality captivated me with excitement. Every second of that night felt like hours. I woke up all night imagining his reaction. I wondered how he might react to that, would he cry and then hug me tight? or would he ignore me and walk away? My mind and heart played a strong battle that night but I was ready to accept whatever his answer would be.

But I never thought that life would take a turn. I never thought that I would end up on loosing him forever. I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to hand him that letter.

Its been a year, He left this world. He got into an accident that day and left me here all alone and detached. Nothing makes my heart heavy than the unsent letter on my desk.

The only thing I wanted on that last moment was to tell him that I loved him. I wish I had showered him with love when he was around. I wish I had admired him more in real than in my imagination. He had no idea how much I loved him my entire life. My life was sweet like gingerbread but now there is a cookie cutter hole right in the centre. I cant get over his memories inside my head. People ask me to forget him and end this pain but if getting past the pain means forgetting him, Then I chose to suffer my entire life with his memories. 

The clock stroked at 11:11. I closed my eyes and made a wish.

“I wish, heaven had a post office!” 

But, It was too late to even make a wish. 

So, people out there, if you have to express yourself to someone, Do it now. You never know when its too late. Life is too short to wait and then regret later. Don’t wait until its too late to tell someone how much you love and care for them. If you don’t do it now then the regret would come to you all your life. It would seep to the foreground of your mind and no amount of analysis would turn back the clock. 

Don’t let your life get filled with regrets. 🌸

   

                                -Aashima 📝