Healed ❤️

                
Sequin-silver stars like the scattered embers of a dying fire winked down at me, illuminating the atramentous curtain of sky. The cold onshore breeze blew right through my sweater and I hugged myself and embraced the warmth in that cold night.

Nighttime is always my favorite. Its when the scorching heat surrender to the onshore breeze and I could sit with my head tilt towards the sky, observing the constellations and the patina of the moon. I love this part of the night when I am on my balcony with my favorite song played on the background and spending some alone time. I scroll through my old messages.

And Suddenly, My finger pause in his last message.  "Its over"
I still remember that night when he wrote me that. Left me in that darkness. I remember how vulnerable and debilitated I felt that night.

The night he left,
My heart sank into ocean of pain with that word. It felt like he cleaved me with hundreds of sharp knife and ripped into my heart and shred them into fragments. Everything dismantled and annihilated in just a blink of an eye.

I didnt cry, I didnt shout. I actually didnt utter a word. I was there, Quiet and numb. I sat at the corner of my room with my back pressed against the cold walls and hands shivered along the lined edge of the cracked bricks and fragments of hope. I felt all my dreams slipped through those frozen fingers I had at that moment.

I laid my head gently on the hard surface of the floor and puffed warm breath threading out of my lips just to calm myself down. The silence that echoed in my ears was the constant noise that got louder with my raced heart beats. I felt like I was entirely alone and detached from the world. The world turned blur and Everything darkened into nothingness.

I felt lost in his lies and the only thing that was there after searching for so long was betrayal and dishonesty. I couldn't believe that he actually left. The same guy who vowed to be with me forever was gone. I was preposterous to think that he would come back someday.

I always wondered why he had to embark into my life when he had no yearning to stay? Why he tend to concoct and create that place in my heart with envisage of dreams and hopes, when I was trying to hold those bars and keep him outside of my life ?

I told him I wasn't ready to be with anyone, that I didn't believe in love. He whispered that if I gave him a chance, He would spend his life proving to me that love is the greatest thing that exists. I confessed that I didn't believe in forever. He held my hand and said he would show me what a forever looks like.

Why did he filled my heart with thousands and thousands of memories when at the end he had to rip that heart away and leave?

After a while, I closed my eyes. And all I could think of was, "him"!  His face when he smile. His eyes when he got mad at me. His protective attitude towards me. The way he got jealous when I didnt give him my time. Kissing him when he was worried. Promising to love him no matter what. The way he hugged me when I cry. That touch. That love. That care!

And then I opened my eyes and I saw them all gone. No more crooked smiles. No more jealousy. No more kisses. No more promises. No more goodmorning and goodnight messages. No more "I love you" and "I miss you" messages at midnight. No more him!

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my shins. I let my head fall down to my knees. I was surrounded with the wretched memories swirling around me. I bite my lower lip, tried to held the tears that threatened to leave my eyes. And that's when I couldn't held them back. First, one small crystal bead escaped from my right eye. I felt that warmth that slid down my cheek, rolling off my chin. Then another and another. The tears made wet tracks down my face and dripped from my stumbled, wobbling chin.

They burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I felt the muscles of my chin trembled like a small child. Even when I pressed my hands against the wall, It shacked, It trembled.

The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths. I cried every single second of that night. The beads of salty water started falling down one after another without a sign of stopping. Pouring all my pain out. My heart ached and I felt that pain physically as well. I just wanted him to know how low he made me feel but then I remembered, it wont matter at all.

He turned every moment we spent together into painful memories. He pierced my soul and made me skeptical about people and love. He turned me into a broken mess. No matter what I did, there was no where I could hid from the thoughts that were on my head.

I didnt know why I held onto his memories for so long. Even when he was gone, gone far away and left me with nothing but emptiness. Somebody once said, even if two people part away, there’s always this one string that remains connected. I was searching for that string. So that I could rip it away, so that there wont be any connection left.

Many thoughts made me weak. Every night, I spilled out my heart and cried the little amount of tears left in me, I knew I didn't want anything from him But still I cried Because I had  to forget him and move on. Just like those dark clouds, my insides were in a chaos. A mess. Everything was hurting me. Everything about him ached inside me. Everything felt so confused, just like a jumbled set of a puzzle.

After all these flashbacks, I am here back again into my present. I no longer belong to those things I wrote above. His last message, "Its over" Is over now. My present is so much beautiful and totally opposite to what it used to be. A big smile comes to my face whenever I see myself now. As I am recalling all those nightmares, Someone comes up behind me and breathes into my ear  "Is everything okay, baby?"

I turn around and look at the man I love. The man who made me fall in love again. The man I vowed to never let go. The man who is my present. The man who fixed all those broken pieces into place. The man Who held onto me even on those nights when I cried recalling my ex lover's name.

who held onto me when I asked him to leave. who always stood by my side, in spite of knowing all those painful past I had. Who gave me his shoulder when I had to hold on and cry, And then sobbed into his chest unceasingly, Hands clutching at his jacket. Who held me in silence and soaked all my tears in his chest. I came into his life like a hurricane, everything that once held me in place ripped away. I was raw, Hurting and he loved me with patience and cared no matter what. Every time I pushed him away, he pulled me back. Every time I fell, he picked me up. He is all I need. He is all I love.

I look into his eyes with a smile,
"Yeah baby, Everything is okay now! I love you so much", I said, standing on tip toe and kiss him.

I set my soul free into his arms that was caged with my past and let all the fear and anxieties fly on that dark sky like a fireflies. The sky looks more beautiful now, draped with stars, above two lovers on each other arms.

The scars of my past is healed with my present. I realized that, The one who truly owns you would never walk away, no matter how worst you get. That right one, will hold onto you with all your flaws and imperfections. That right one will love through all those pain. That right one will love you, No matter what. And I feel blessed to find my Right one ❤️

So, If you ever feel bad when someone you love, walks away, Just remember that the one who belongs to you will always stay. And those who don't, they don't belong to you. And every wound will heal with time. You just need to have patience 😊

                                                 -Aashima :)