I can’t stop loving you ♥️

Its almost midnight when suddenly my phone beeps. Calming myself down, I reached into the message box. 

“Hey. Can we meet tomorrow?" That's what your message read. You texted me today after one whole year. 

In the sweet rain wash darkness, the sound of your message became melodious in my ear soothing my soul. 

It was long back time in spring when you entered my life. In that spring, You fell like an autumn leaf. waiting to be nurtured. Wanting the colors. To be preserved. You were frozen river in middle of the summer. A broken frown in middle of the smile. 

I provided you the warmth. I flourished your life with fragrance of love. When I first looked upon your face, it was not on the perfect features that I dwelled. Not the gold flecked brown eyes, nor the pomegranate pink lips. Instead it was the small blemishes and insecurities that allured me. The small scar on the forehead. The slightly crooked tooth. Now, when I look upon your face, I lose myself. My heart melts like butter on hot toast at your one glance. 

I know that I was always your option. I was always your optional person to run into when you got hurt and miffed. I was always the person to talk with when you got bored and jaded. I was always the person who was “too nice to be with”. I was always the person to hang around when your lover got busy and hustled. I was always the person to meet when your lover pushed and shoved you away. But thats okay. Thats okay because I was used to it. I was still in love with every side of yours and I was ready to be your “Optional person” for that.

I loved you and I had always mend your soul. I had always ameliorated your heart. I had always healed you. 

I was always aware of the fact that you would never feel the same for me but the only fact that I was stick to was; I cant stop myself for pouring that love into you. 

If you ask me, “if that hurts?” then I would happily say, “It never hurts as long as I put that smile on your face.” 

When I love, I love it too strong and tenaciously, like god turned my emotion dials up way too far. I cant turn my emotions down. I cant stop my heart to take-care of you and make you feel loved even if I am not the one to make it hurt or damaged. 

I will always bring back that smile even if it cost all my heart to break down. I will make your soul happy, all over again. 

Back days, I grieved on inside when you talked about how happy your love life was. You could never read those teary eyes I had  and then continued the story of how wonderful your vacation went and how your late night calls was with that person. I felt like a hollow plastic doll with a painted happy face revealing no emotion. 

You often asked me, Why don’t I stop? You know why? because I cant help it. 

With you, I learned that love is not winning someone, but loosing yourself to someone. I lose myself on that crazy heart of yours. I can’t give you world where smiles are permanent. But I can give you world so different where tears are just another form of smile. I will always provide my arms to shed on those tears. 

I have poured my warmth into you for so long. You always turn on the cold to shut me down. Every time is a new wound, a new scar to add the collection. But your smile is all that I value. I collected those scars and adore them in your absence. Those scars are happy scars who always reminded me of how much I love you. I can get scars all over my heart and soul if that is what it cost to make you smile. 

Because, I cant stop my heart to get flutter when your lips lift upward as your cheek crinkles. When your uneven teeth shows up, it gives me warm glow of happiness. Your smile is a ray of sunshine. When that soft lips stretches into a smile and reach your dark eyes. All that sadness indwelled inside my heart, walks away and my heart becomes light. 

As you smile, my fear whisk away like a bunch of fruit flies catch in a heavy gust of wind. Excitement rush through my veins. As happiness flair in your eyes, it begins to flair in mine too. At that moment, even if the world around me collapse my heart would not get crushed as I have that warmth radiating from your smile down to my heart. 

I always know that after I put that smile back on your face, you will leave me and go back to that same person. Leaving me like a mess. That is the hardest part of my life, because 

it isn’t the love that scares me but your absence. I grieve your absence and cry until my eyes run dry and my chest feels heavy. It feels so heavy with that emotional pain. 

They say the pain dulls with time and that things will get better. But how can things be better when the reason of the pain isn’t as bad anymore. When the painful reason is what you are in love with. 

And as I got your message today after so long, I took a deep breath and smile. I placed my hand on my chest, I could still feel the frigid cold surrounding my heart. 

Some say you find purpose in the simplicity of your heartbeat. But I no longer know where my purpose lies. I am afraid of going completely numb again. Because quite frankly; feeling hurts. Every breathe I take now is filled with the icy air of my heart. I wish I would learn to get these emotions out instead of bolting them up. 

Its been one year you have gone and there is a silence to my soul since you left; I feel like I am a fall leaves under frost. I feel the chill in my blood, coldness bringing the synapses of my brain to stand still. Part of it is a pain, yet one I can endure, one I can sleep through nights. 

Because at the end of the day the only truth I am aware of is; I cant stop loving you. These feelings I have for you cant end until my body ceases to function and my soul is released for whatever comes after. Even on my dark days my love for you rides underneath it all. I cant stop loving you, ever. 

So, I replied your message with; 

Yeah sure. Tomorrow at 8!

                                  - Aashima :)