Self Love ♥️

                          

Time sailed and its been almost a year, right? I know that pretty much things swapped this past year, You! Me! and that universe we created. I know that there is no reason to bleed out these words for you. But, I just want to cascade this heaviness that I am carrying inside, since long. 

I want to take this moment out, to thank you. Thank you for all that rough and tousled days you gave me because in this journey from hating me and then loving me, I found my inner self. 

After you left, things went pretty bizarre. I was slowly breaking down and tearing apart. My heart that once laughed became hollow and my smile that had been so quick was then only a mask to protect myself from questions related to you. You kicked out all those feelings but I still tried to fix them and tried to keep them safe. You made me skeptical about people and love. 

When you left, I was left with two options: Either to block every connections with you and move on or the worse: to beg you to come back, pull down my self pride and set aside my self-worth, clinging to the collection of memories that we designed together with words like "I will never leave you" poisoning my mind. 

But, I knew that no matter how many things I try, I would get hit with another painful truth: You had already left and You were no longer part of me and I needed to accept that fact. But it was not easy as it seems. 

I found myself at the bathroom floor crying my broken heart out. My eyes dripped with tears. My walls that held me up, collapsed. Salty drops drenched all my shirt. Even when I pressed my hands against the wall, It trembled. As much as I tried to held it, the pain came out like an uproar from my throat in the form of a silent scream. I questioned every decision I made and doubted every positive thought I had for myself. 

I tried to crush down all your memories into ashes, but instead I smoked all those bitterness you gave and still missed you. 

I tried to puke out all those promises we made but instead, I got drunk with all your love messages on my head. It got worse, everyday I struggled. I stared myself at mirror and all I could see was: dead red eyes staring back at me. 

I tried to bury down every memories of you. But every time I opened that gallery, I could not stop admiring our photos together. I even tried the formula of “get another guy” to forget the previous one. But every-time I talked with someone else, It didn’t feel right and I could not walk any step ahead with anyone else. 

Every “moving on” theory people gave me: “failed”

But one fine day, I was still struggling with the battle of thrashing your memories out of my cerebral cortex. Then, I saw something on my phone and my hand fluttered. A slow cold wind blew inside my heart. I froze and felt all numb because that moment, I saw your photo with her. That ached my heart. 

I saw that smile on your face, the same smile that I used to see on our photos together. I focused on your eyes, they were glistening with the twinkle of laughter that once I loved. I saw that magical happy eyes that I used to see for me some moments ago. 

And that moment, I paused for a while and I smiled. I smiled for being stupid all that past months. Those toxic memories slowly escaped from my pores. You might think that I should have got all angry and upset, hit on the wall until my fist hurts and then screamed out loud. but I didn’t. Because that moment; I wanted something else. I wanted to move on. So, I decided to let you go. I decided to let myself heal. I decided to soothe my soul which was beyond repair. 

I allowed myself to be happy, to be really happy without limits and not thinking of the possible melancholy that I might feel next. 

I allowed myself to relax and not pressure in the world full of distressors. I allowed myself to get lost in the ocean of books. 

I allowed myself to set aside all the tasks I had to work on and focus on what's right in front of me: my family, my friends, my carrier. I allowed myself to watch movies, series, funny videos and not care whether it's already past midnight. I allowed myself to have fun with my siblings and realized what I missed on past years with you. 

So, I set myself free. I set myself free from hatred, grudge and even insecurities. I turned my back to everything that slowly killed me: toxic, unhealthy people, bad habits and you. 

I started to open my heart to everything I loved. I started to be more kind and gentle to myself. Which I never did with you. 

The memories of you trundled through my heart like a running train, with no intention of stopping. And just like a bad dream you never wish to remember, it left me with no traces that would help to recreate it. I slowly learned the art of letting go and created space to the things that made me love my life more. I discovered that happy me, again. And this time, it was more beautiful. 

I realized that, anyone can leave you anytime in your life. It might be in the midst of a crisis situation or between the joyous hours of your life, a person can step out of your life, anytime or anywhere. Sometimes It comes unexpectedly too. And whichever way it comes, the truth is: It would always hurt. I was hurt too. 

But guess what? That was the perfect reason for me to love myself more and be less dependent to people. Because as it quite agonizing this may sound, at the end of the day, all I had is myself. 

And I am telling you all this today because I want to thank you for leaving me. Because, I learned that the world itself turns into a beautiful place, once you begin to make yourself happy. 

And you were not the one for me. You never were. It was just the thought I created in the world of fake fantasies. But all thanks to you, because if that were not you then I would have regret all my life being with you. 

I am now happily in love. Not necessarily with person, but with ideas and places and the sunshine and the night sky. Most importantly, with myself. I am so in love with my own life that the next time when someone leaves, I would be the one to open doors for them because I learned to love myself more than those poisonous people. 

Thus, people reading this: 

Memories are like the sky that reflects our very being and serves as a lens for gateway to infinity. The sky is mysterious and unknown. It can be bright as your dreams or dark as a nightmare. It can set you free or trap you in invisible barriers that confine and leave you with desperation. It all depends on how you put that sky into your life. 

So, embrace yourself more and love every fiber of your being. Run your finger unto your scars as they were dusts made of gold and look at the mirror as if you're seeing the most beautiful person in the world. 

Be comfortable with your own skin. Travel every place you wish to. Ask questions. Feed your brain; read more books. Sing your favorite songs and catch that high note until your throat hurts. Then laugh at yourself. Get a journal and write. Feel the words. Dance like a five-year-old kid. Be loud or calm. Do whatever makes you happy. Never stop dreaming. 

The world is constantly spinning and It doesn't stop because of that one single person moving out of your life. 

Take care of yourself, because its needed ♥️
                                                              - Aashima 📝